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Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye in the same day is worth all the sorrow.
Mommy's Little Tummy Bumper. I Miss You...   My Dearest Cole How I wish you were here The days and nights go by And we can feel you near You were taken so suddenly At a very early age We fight all the feelings But we're still filled with the rage We pray that you are happy We know you are free But it doesn't heal our hearts When HERE is where you SHOULD be! I miss you so much it hurts! There is a special angel in heaven that is a part of me that is not where I want him but, where God chose him to be He was here for just a moment like a nighttime shooting star and though he is in heaven now He isn't very far So I send this special message to Heavens up above Please take care of my Cole and send him ALL my love!   Do you know? Do you know how hard it is To have a baby who doesn't cry? Do you know how hard it is To tell that baby goodbye? Do you know how hard it is To look at an empty bed? Knowing your child should be there Resting his sleepy head Do you know how hard it is Feeling that you're to blame? And no matter what they tell you You'll never feel the same Do you know the heartache Knowing he's gone for good? And feeling that you didn't do All the things you could Do you know how hard it is To hear that it's God's will? Do you know the emptiness when your child is born still?  I wanted to teach you have to walk, instead you learned how to fly...  Dear Cole Chandler, We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle We long to hold you, touch you now, and listen to you giggle... I'll always be your mother, he'll always be your dad You'll always be our son, the child we never had But now your gone...but yet your here, we sense you everywhere You are our sorrow and our joy, there's love in every tear Just know our love goes deep and strong, we'll forget you never The son we had, but never had, and yet will have FOREVER...  "If I Could"If I could take a minute out of each and every day To hold my child close to my heart and kiss his fears away If I could take a minute out of each and every week To play with blocks and peek-a-boo, tag or hide and seek If I could take a minute of any span of time I'd never waste a second of the pleasures that were mine If he could crawl upon my knee and lay his sleepy head Upon my shoulder tenderly and dream of gingerbread I'd spend my time in total bliss and watch my small baby grow From babyhood to childhood knowing all there is to know If I could stop my aching heart and my mind could sleep If I could stop the flow of tears that are always on my cheek I only need a minute Lord, I know he's safe with you But there's something real important that I had no time to do If you could do it for me Lord, here's a message he should know Tell him that I LOVE HIM, then I'll let him go... "I Will Be Fine"You ask "How are you doing?" and I reply "I'm fine"But inside my mind is screaming...those words are just not mine But, I thank you so for asking , it is difficult...I know As I'm sure the pain is evident...you know I love him so Every crevice of my being, every corner of my soul is filled with longing...aching that I know will cease...I knowYet I know I will get better...my heart will heal with time It will never ever be whole again, but...yes I will be fine. The pain will dull as time goes by with the help from God above... We have so much in common...he has the one I love My faith in Him sustains ne for He does so much you see... He sends Cole's love down to me...it surrounds me endlessly Someday we will be reuntied, in the Heavens up above... Someday God will rejoin us with the son that we love. "An Angel Never Dies"  Don't let them say I wasn't born, that something stopped my heart I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start Although my body you can't hold, it doesn't mean I'm gone The world was not worthy of me, God chose that I move on I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face You have my word, I'll fill your arms, someday we will embrace You'll hear that it was "meant to be, God doesn't make mistakes" But that won't soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll bear Believe me when I say to you, that I'm always there There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand Stroke me face and kiss my lips and then you'll understand Although I never breathed your air, or gazed into your eyes That doesn't mean I never "was"...An Angel Never Dies! "A Message From Mommy" I often wonder son if I had just a minute to be with you right now, and what would I say to you and what would I do. I feel like our time together was not long enough, and there was so much going on around us, we couldn't just be mother and son. I want to tell you that I am so sorry for not protecting you. I know there is no way I could have known, but I still have such guilt for not keeping you safe. I want to tell you how very much I love you and always will... no matter how much time goes by, you will always be with me. And most of all, I want to tell you how proud I am of you. You fought so hard to give Mommy the time that you did. I am thankful for every tiny flutter and kick you gave to me to let me know you were still there... What I would give to feel that again. You showed me what true courage is... not to mention all the other lives you have touched without uttering even a single word. I would give anything to feel your breath on my cheek or touch your skin, all the things people take for granted. I am so proud to be your Mommy Cole, and I can't wait until the day when I hold you in my arms again. I Love You!  The memory of Cole grips my heart...  I am not a fetus medical waste of no account to be discarded Had I taken a breath made a whimper had a beating heart moved a limb I would have counted Never mind that I have a name that I heard my parents sing to me that I am the sum total of their genes Their child I didn't suffer I went to sleep a sleep from which I shall never more awaken I hear them call to me in the stillness of the night when they can not sleep why, why, why they plead I am not a fetus I am a baby formed... precious... still... "Cole's Story"Here is the long and tragic story of our son Cole's life and death. I had a molar pregnancy in February 2005. After 2 D&C's, my hormone levels were coming down. Then in May 2005 my levels started coming back up. The oncologist that I was seeing did a CT scan, and saw a mass on June 9. Assuming the mass was cancer as a result of the molar pregnancy, I was put on Chemotherpy. For 7 weeks I took injections every other day of a strong medicine called methotrexate. I was very sick..throwing up and weak. On July 25, I was having a hard time breathing, so I was admitted into the hospital by the oncologist. After another Ct scan, the "mass" had not gotten any smaller with the chemo, and had in fact grown. The next day, the dr ordered an ultrasound. We were told July 28th that the "mass" was not cancer, and was a baby. I was 15 weeks pregnant. We found out the same day we were having a boy. The dr realized that he had made a bad mistake and spent the next couple of days trying to convince us to abort. He kept telling us that our son would have severe problems and would likely not survive. I felt in my heart that abortion was not an option, and despite all the heartache I knew it would cause, chose to wait it out. The week after I got out of the hospital I felt Cole move for the first time. I feel in love with his tiny kicks and flutters. Everything was going fine until 19 weeks. At that point our world starting crashing down around us. I had no idea how hard it would be carrying Cole and the stress it would put on my husband and kids. My husband didn't understand my decisions for not wanting to terminate. At the time, I did what I felt was right, and I didn't know the problems that would come out of that. I hated telling Bryan anything that was going on with Cole, because as time went on, the problems starting showing up on ultrasound and with each week and each new ultrasound, came new problems. Skeletal Dysplasia, Clover leaf shaped head (which showed signs of brain damage) and then the bomb dropped when they said fetal hydrops. I knew then we were running out of time. I wondered with each kick or flutter if it would be the last time I would feel Cole alive. It was very emotional for me. Some viewed my decision to keep him inside as long as I could as selfish, and I can't explain all the feelings that I was feeling. I knew I was putting everyone around me through so much stress, and I felt horrible. I had to be able to go on the rest of my life and live with this decision what ever it was. I put my whole heart and mind into my decision, and no ones feelings were left out. I thought about Bryan, and the kids daily as I carried Cole and the impact it was having on them. I was so torn. I loved having him safe inside me, but his body had been through so much already, and was growing tired. Cole's tiny body was swelling and he was showing signs of congestive heart failure. Throughout the time since we found out about Cole, I held on to one thing...he always had a strong heartbeat, at every ultrasound and every dr appt, and every morning when I checked it at home on the fetal doppler. I couldn't imagine having to call Bryan or tell the kids that Cole was gone, then it started happening. I had put my family through hell, and it would all be in vain, because Cole was giving up and I could feel it. I noticed the first weekend of October, I was having a hard time picking up his heartbeat at home, and then I would pick it up and it would be really slow. I knew that the time I had dreaded had come. I went to the dr. Monday morning and his heartrate was dropping fast. It was usually around 150-160. That morning it was anywhere from 60-110. I knew we were running out of time. We decided at 24 weeks, that we could wait no longer. I wanted to do everything in our power to hold my son alive. His tiny heart was giving out. Bryan was by my side when I was induced at 5:30am on October 5 and Cole made a silent entry into this world at 7:45 am. Although his heart stopped as soon as his daddy cut his cord, I felt the right decision had been made. I had given him every chance at being normal, and every chance at life, but the damage was done, and I couldn't change that. It didn't matter if I ended the pregnancy at the beginning or at 40 weeks, God had taken him at HIS time, and I could live with that. My angel had all of the problems that they warned me about and some others I had no clue about. He weighed 12.87 ounces and was 8 inches long. He fought so hard and so bravely. He showed me the true face of courage. My prayer is that Cole's fight will not be in vain. My little hero deserves so much more than he was given. He was never given a chance and I as his mother was never given the chance to protect my son. I feel so cheated. I feel blessed that I have had the support of so many family and friends through this whole ordeal. Thank you all for everything you have done for me...I am sorry to Bryan for the pain this has caused you. I know you don't understand, and I don't expect you to. I am thankful you never had to be in my shoes. I pray that no one ever is again. I am sorry to KayLee...my oldest, you had to grow up so fast. You lost your innocence in having a new baby brother...he never made it home. I wish things had been different. One day I pray that you both will understand...I love you so much and I so sorry for all the stress...but Cole you were worth every minute. Cole, Daddy moved out on March 28, 2008, looking for happiness. After losing you, and making it though that, I thought we could conquer anything. I was so wrong. He resented me for carrying you for the time I could, and said I was selfish. I never would wish these choices or decisions on anyone, because there is no right answer. I love you whether you are here in body or not. I do not have any regrets as far as your concerned. I never expected him to approve or accept my heartbreaking decision, but I still can not understand his resentment in doing what I had to do to be able to live with myself and be able to answer to your brother and sisters one day for my choices. The biggest blessing you showed me was the true charchter of many people that I thought I knew so well. Losing you showed just how much evil can be carried in a persons heart. The thing that keeps me going is that I know you are watching and protecting us. Please send your peace and healing and keep sending mommy the frogs!  I want to take a minute and thank a special person. Lu Ann Kolumbus has taken the time out of her busy schedule to help make Cole's webpage beautiful. She has an angel of her own... her granddaughter Johnna. Her website is www.johnna-rusk.memory-of.com. When anyone takes the time to pray for our family, please pray for Lu Ann and her family also. Thank you so much Lu Ann. You have done an amazing job!
Cole, Mommy loves you so much and I think about you all the time. I can't believe that it has been almost 4 years since you silently came into my life and forever changed me and who I was. Even after 4 years, the pain is still so raw and real. I don't know your full purpose, and I may not know until we meet again in Heaven, but what I do know is that even though the pain is so powerful, God is even more powerful and He has a plan and a purpose for everything, even a tiny little boy who never even took a breathe. When you came into my life, everything around me seemed like it was falling apart. My marriage to your father started to rapidly go down hill, and I was completely blown away by his actions that followed your birth. When he left and moved in with Uncle Williams wife, I was crushed. I couldn't believe he could be so cruel and hateful. Since that day March 28, 2007 until now his actions and the actions of her and so many people that I thought of as friends, have blown me away. But instead of allowing them to break me, it instead made me so much stronger. If I can survive losing you, I can survive almost anything. Over the last year and a half, things have been rocky for me and your brother and sisters. Then on July 7, 2009, I met the most amazing, caring, and understanding man who changed our lives forever. I know you saw how much I needed Jimmy so you helped put us in each others paths. On October 10, 2009 just 5 days after what should be your 4th birthday, Jimmy and I are getting married, and we are doing it the way God intended...in church with our family and true friends. I know you will be looking down on Mommy and smiling because I am smiling again for the first time in a long time. Baby, you keep letting me know that you are happy and that I should be happy too, so I am allowing myself the happiness you want for me. Kaylee, Noah, and Cheyenne love him, and he is amazing with them. And our family grew even bigger with your new brothers Micheal and Bryan. Cole, I will never get over losing you, I will never stop missing you, and I will never stop loving you. You are my precious baby boy and I love you with all that I am. Please keep sending me frogs and I will keep smiling. My heart has grown so much because of you and everything you have taught me. Happy 4th Birthday Angel
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Click here to see Cole Gray's Family Tree |
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Baby...Mommy misses and loves you so much!
Tributes and Condolences
| Bring the memories home by publishing your online memorial as a genuine hardcover keepsake |
| This memorial website was created by Holly Gray on 11/29/2005.
click here to contact Holly |
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